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This life of mine
I know I don't have to explain to anyone of reason why. Of this or that. It's because life be hitting hard right now. I know yall see what's happening across the globe. Ish is serious.
I'm trying to get my mental together because of the struggles I'm facing. But I'm gonna strive to stay positive and keep it moving. At my pace that is.
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Better days
I've been sick and stressed out lately. I lost 35 pounds, wasn't trying to. I pray for myself, family and friends. I want us all to win, even those family members that hurt me. I'm not wishing for their downfall. I'm just trying to be a better me.
And step out into the sun with my head held up !
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Poking the bear
Poking the bear, Opening up on memories you thought long forgotten
Anger, hurt and sadness are some of the emotions
One would feel when confronted with the truth
The truth is not always good
Sometimes it can set you free
Only with time and effort
You have to work at it
To see some results.
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Being strong
Being strong....
needs an off day. So people can seek comfort from others sometimes.
No one's too strong for emotions such as grief and sadness.
Just because they look like they got their sh×× together.
Doesn't mean it's all true.
And like plenty of others said before me.
Please check on those who are deemed strong.
They might need someone to lean on. Like yesterday.
And to those who are needing a helping hand. Be proud, stand forth by telling someone.
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My heart, my regret
It's hard losing a loved one. It's like a piece of you has been torn away.
I had a block of the mind and body even before you passed. It was made worse when you left us. But I can breathe a bit more to think straight to write these words. And thanks to the kind words and support of others. I'll make it through.
But I'll miss you dearly granny, will always love and remember you...
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It's got me going....
Sometimes I feel like I'm going no where fast. Or what is real isn't. This pandemic thing has got me worse for wear.
Days going into nights quickly. To the point that I can't remember what day it is half the time.
Embarrassed that I trip more than I walk. All the things that I held close as crutches has slowly been pull from under my arms. It's hard to bare sometimes.
I'm praying that I'll get through it. I'm praying we all get through this.
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REST IN POWER
Imagine waking up, someone telling you that Chadwick Boseman has passed away.
And I'm thinking it's just an internet hoax. Everything will be fine. So naturally I run to check my phone.
And it's true.
First you think the why's, how's. And his family must be going through it.
He was so strong to be dealing with his illness first. Secondly he was starring in some fantastic roles. We all know and love. That's just shows right there how dedicated he was.
And we're all grateful for that. That he brought us those roles out for us to see.
REST IN POWER MR. CHADWICK BOSEMAN.
WAKANDA FOREVER.
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Secret
Changes are bound to happen. Secret love too hard to keep.
This love I've been nursing as long since I've known myself.
Too scared to say anything because of the feelings that could come my way.
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Need a off day
Being strong needs an off day. So people can seek comfort from others sometimes.
No one's too strong for emotions such as grief and sadness.
Just because they look like they got their sh×× together.
Doesn't mean it's all true.
And like plenty of others said before me.
Please check on those who are deemed strong.
They might need someone to lean on. Like yesterday.
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Feeling it
I fell asleep. I sometimes do when someone talks me or when I listen soft music. But I'm a little bit worse because of everything. Not barely going anywhere, I know it's for the safety of myself. And family.
I used to just drive around. But in today's climate especially at night. I don't do it a lot. When I do sometimes in the daytime. It makes me to sad to see that the places I want to go to are kind of open. But I'm not taking no chances.
Many others, I and even you are tired of this pandemic. It's scary to know that it's something out there that doesn't have a cure.
It's scary times. The world is hurting.
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My mind 2.0
I have an uneasiness that developed over time. Some timed incidents that I chose to stay away from. And some that could be helped but I still walked right into it.
Over time I had to protect myself from the element of these things more, more as years went by. It's hard to explain to many. Because it's considered weird, unusual. But still I maintained to get by.
So when anymore tells you that you're not normal. You say to them.
" What is normal ? "
" Can you tell me ? "
I am me, I am a person of color. And proud to be so.
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One famous logic
The most famous logic is said....
The hardest to get. Is the one you want the most.
And those who are sought after might be wanted by most....
But there's always someone out there that does their own thing. Without a care of being wanted by many.
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Sometimes 2.0
Sometimes certain situations make you feel like....You're getting closed lined at every turn. I guess that's life...
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See us. Hear us.
Don't know why certain people are trying to silence folks for centuries. We're only telling our whole truth. See us, hear us ! #BLACKLIVESMATTER
From experience. My truth are many other's truths.
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The same boat
I'm hurt
I'm depressed
I'm sorrowful
I'm a mess
I'm sadden by what's going on
In the world.
I'm praying for the safety
Of every man, woman
boy and girl.
It's trying times we're living.
But try to believe that for some people.
They have to live this on a daily basis.
So before you are quick to judge.
You better believe that at this point.
We're all in the same boat.
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Some feelings of the world
Some of us been feeling pretty down about things. Even though we try to be positive them dark thoughts still come walking through our minds. It was different when you could go out and didn't think about things much.
Now you have to be cautious, safe. Stay in the house especially if you have health issues. Only walk around the neighborhood or go to the grocery store. It's been a weird couple of months to say the least.
But I'll do all things necessary to keep my family and myself here.
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The world
Close ears and eyes won't take the world away from one's notice
Because one doesn't want to pay attention to what's in front of them
It takes heart to understand the troubles that the other man / woman goes through from day to day
So open up your heart and then your mind
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To try is to do ( vice versa )
To actually do something, is to finish it. It might be sometimes a great feat.
As well as getting up each day, greeting the morning sun. And walking on your two feet, out the door.
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I'm human just like you
Kind of tired of being racially profiled.
I'm always minding my business, don't bother anyone.
Because of the color of my skin.
The way you are treated. Makes you feel like you're nothing but dirt on the ground.
Or not worthy or something. It's the worst feeling in the whole wide world.
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Wait a second
Things that are simple ring the loudest or resonate...
So before you say it's not good or very bland...
Stop and think before you speak or outright cancel
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My wish throughout the year(s)
What I truly wish for the new year. That it'll be better than the last. And that families come together not tear each other down. That goes for friends also. Just be nicer to your fellow man ( woman ). Don't break a spirit down. Help build them up. Then we both will be happier all around. Throughout 2020 and beyond.
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Sometimes awful
It's scary how the wrong play on words or something that's said without checking out the facts can cause a lot of tension and heartache or that boo boo feeling deep in your gut.
I'm being serious. Communication is key people.
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Everyday People
When you're a kid. You don't know any better. So you laugh at the underdog, the so called crazy guy down the street. Or poke fun at loony woman that talks to herself on the park bench.
Stayed away from that teenaged kid. You know the one in your class that does that thing. Everyone calls weird but do they really know them ? Or do they deem them too reckless because that's what society tells you.
These people can be husbands, wives and kids, uncles or grandma. And what they also are.....
Humans. Living, breathing and that bleeds the same people. That deserves respect, love, just need a shoulder to lean on.
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Very tired
Have you ever felt like you can never relate to those around. You can try so hard but never get results.
Like me I recently went through something, now I have no friends. It seems like this happens all the time.
I wonder if there's something wrong me. Or do I try too hard, push people away. I try to give advice to others of the same situation. I try to talk to them, give them the watered down version.
Then months later, the same happens to me. Are they rubbing off on me ? I think sometimes.
Am I meant to have friends ? Should I just stop, walk this earth alone ? Same with relationships with guys they never work out. So I stopped trying.
Am I really destined to walk this earth alone. I see all the happy couples. I find myself feeling sad because of my lameness.
I'm stuck in my mind right now. I don't know what to do. I'm trying to hold on to a piece of something that makes me want to stay. But it seems to be shrinking day by day.
I know my parents care for me. But one day they might not be here. And everytime I think of it. It makes me feels disappointed in myself for having these thoughts.
I'm tired. I'm truly tired of faking happiness when I'm really not.
I just wanna get somewhere. Where I don't have to worry about anything anymore.
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A beautiful end to a day
Average blowing wind. I like it when the sun is hung low in the sky. Just before evening. Making way for the stars 🌟
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Too much / block it out
I'm gonna go deaf to all the judgement that has been said and placed on me.
So I'll just place my headphones on to BLOCK all negativity.
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Myself, ourselves as humans
I see myself
How I...
Hurt
Love
Cry
Send joy
Receive joy
The pain
My pain
I'm angry
The confusion
I wonder
The dark
And light
Those feelings
My heart and soul
Am I really in control.
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Book of Anxiety # 1
Why do I always think of the worst case scenario
It comes to mind in seconds. It has an beginning and middle, end.
Like some movie that's played, it feels so real. I try to think positive but the crawls of the unknown seems to pull me down into a spiral of plots, twists that makes someone feel sick by the sheer terror of it all.
Until you wake up in night sweats because it has followed you there. You think why am I like this or why can't I be normal.
But the truth. You're not the only one. Because fear can help us in certain situations. But being fearful can have us stuck, not go back sometimes. But if you reach out, talk hopefully someone will listen.
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We are all someone
Read below⬇⬇⬇
Something I put together on app called cover maker about a year ago.
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From low to peaceful
The sky sometimes is hung low in my life. But I try my damnedest to push the bitch back up for a peaceful outlook.
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Family emotions
I understand how you feel. My father was here but still emotionally distant. I tried to talk to him but it doesn't work out that well. I try at least, keep at it. And I know how you feel about losing someone after talking or an argument. I had a disagreement with my grandpa, didn't talk to him for like a week. He yelled at me and I didn't know why. But we got that call after a week, found out he had at passed. I felt a lot pain, guilt even though I wasn't the one who started it but it still effected me. I carried that for many years. Until I had a dream that I was talking to him, he gave me hug. He told me that in a voice, phrase that I knew all too well. " Don't worry so much. " from then on a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I'm not saying I don't problems now but I feel I'm at peace with this part of my life.
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Us on the sidelines
They will never change which is sad because of pushing us away because we aren't to their standards.
And sometimes words do hurt.
But I'll move forward without their approval, stay positive, try to live my life.
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Everytime
You're always picking out what's wrong with me.
But if I did the same that would be another thing you would say that's wrong with me.
There's no winning with a person like you.
I just gotta be myself, stay positive and true.
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Past, Present and future
I'm tired of all the fakeness when you're around.
I know we don't like each other but I still put on a smile.
Your past self which hurt me before.
Which I'll never let it happen anymore.
So if you think that this sweet and innocent person is the real me.
Then you truly didn't know the " real me " at all.
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Why am I bad ?
You only wanted me because of what I could do for you.
But when I stopped letting you walk all over me.
I'm suddenly the bad person...
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Two sides
How can you say you know what's best for me.
When you're doing the most damage to me.
I think you're contradicting yourself.
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Not settling
Let downs are something I shouldn't be used to.
Because hope is something I strive for......
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The things you wish you never said
The moment when you put your foot in your mouth. Wishing you can stop or take back the words you've just had spoken.
The guilt. The hurt that's displayed on a person's face which is an reflection of your own.
Go back
Go back
Go back
But you can't
You try to apologize but do you truly know at the time that it will be okay.
I'm sorry
I'm so sorry
I'm so very sorry
Maybe with time, it'll be fine
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Worst to Best
You survived the worst days on your life....
In someone's book
That means
You're doing great !
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Please
Please understand that those who are different don't deserve to be ridiculed, made to feel like as they are nothing.
Please don't march with them one day, then turn a blind's eye on them the next.
Those same people can be your mom, dad or even your child. Please think about that.
Because maybe one day it might even be you that needs someone to understand them
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Can't hide
Is it that bad to have the lights, an camera pointed at your face.
There's only so much even the best makeup and lighting can chase.
Some try to hide it with a fake smile.
When the lens catches your soul, your likeness for the world to see.
Does it ever get so bad ? That it feels that you can barely breathe.
But you made your choice to stand out on your own.
But I'll just have to wait for the day when you come back home.
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Realization
You spend your whole life believing one thing.
But the truth is so much worse....
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So Wary
So wary about many things.
About things I can't control.
About my health or state of mind.
About memories of the past, things that could happen in the future.
Sometimes I sit down, wonder what my life would be like without worry.
Without the painful, hurtful things that has been afflicted upon me.
My feelings once I've let the negative well at least some of it out of my life.
Then I sit up with a crack of an smile.
Thinking that I'm a work in progress, that I know for sure.
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Have you ever...
Have you ever felt so tired
That when you sleep, it feels like its never enough.
Have you ever tried so hard.
That no matter what you do, that you never see anything from it.
Or
Settled for less, thinking I'll never do better than you already are.
Have you ever felt so less.
That you wonder why people treated you bad in past. Or you give so much of yourself, you're pushed to the side because you stopped yourself from being used anymore.
But when you do, it's not effective as you thought. Now you don't know what to do now.
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Supposed
They say there's no greater happiness than having a family.
But what if that's the same family that brings you great sadness.
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Compassion
Having compassion doesn't make you weak.
It's not having it that make you all the more weak.
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Tear stains
So many times I've cried over people that give a crap about me.
I wishes, hoped and even prayed for them like, change.
But all that was in vain.
They don't care that they cause me pain.
But now I know that they'll never change.
I keep waiting for people to love me the way I am.
But things seem bleak.
Will they always remain the same.
This another one on how my family treats me 😔
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What's good for me
Was never an star
But a speck of dust
On this round ball
Called Earth
Trying my best
Not to get sucked in
The big vacuum
Of troubles, negativity
Trying my hardest
To stay away from
The chemicals that said
Are good for me but
Can take me out
But I'm good,
And I'll find others
That'll love, care for me
To live in peace, harmony
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Those feelings
My inner turmoil is beginning to weaken me.
That I don't know where or whom to turn to.
Outbursts get the wrong reception because of my holding it in.
Will this headache ever ease or go away. It feels like I suffer from day to day.
Does anyone truly understand the words I'm trying to say.
Just waiting on the day when it'll all be okay.
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The feels
Have you ever felt tired of being tired.
Or you rested but not well rested.
So you plastered that fake smile on your face. Because you feel so tired of feeling bad.
Sometimes it works, other times it doesn't.
So you choose the people who you want to be around. And that goes for places also.
Push the negative away, bring in the positive as much as you can. Or weigh it out even.
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I'm asking ( A need to know )
Why must you say those bad things to make me reevaluate on how I feel about life.
You say I am no good but have you even took the time to get to know me.
I let you in but I'm always pushed away like I don't matter or even visible.
I am passed up in these conversations like my opinions don't compute with whatever you say.
I try to reach my hand out but I'm always met with harsh resistance. So I wonder what have I done to be treated this way day in and day out.
All this ever does, is to make me shout !
But will I ever be heard....
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What is my place
First place
First to win
Last place
Last to arrive
What's the difference between the two
You won
But does it truly mean you have won
Your last
Because of your late arrive
But does it really matter if you're last
At least, you've arrived, took your time, not rush through it.
You're made it, that's what truly matters
You should be very proud !
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Emotions
My emotions are like an light switch going off and on.
Or a wave going up and down.
Sometimes a gentle breeze then can be a tornado picking up steam going along a path pulling many emotions but wanting to calm down.
Slowly down then wondering what I've done but it's already too late.
Just far too late.
But I'm not that person anymore.
And they can't see that.
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You're fine
Mixed emotions are a signs of an healthy human being.
It's how you handle them that makes all the difference.
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Hurts
Leg hurts but the sky is blue. It equals to the world keeps going but no one knows of my pain.
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Wish
I wish to be someone else sometimes.
But the worrying part of me,
Will always want to go back to the old boring,
me which is also sometimes alright with me.
It's 50/50.
Knowing I should only be the one and only me.
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Tired from love
I love with everything I am
I give with everything I have
I think with all the thoughts inside of me
Bit there are many things that puzzle me
Why am I not loved in the same way
Why do you just take, take and take
Why do these thoughts remain, more than you ever will
Do you think I would want you back
I think I never will again
And that's a fact
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Stress and riches
I want to live a life without stress and worry
I don't need to be rich or famous
I just want to be happy, cared for
That's all I hope for
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Weak = strong
Having compassion doesn't make you weak
It's not having it that makes you all the more weaker
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Time
Forgiveness is something earned not forced.
With all things, with time it'll heal itself.
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My mind
My mind is like a room, it has a door. It has space to think, to fill.
Once I open the door. To bring in knowledge.
Sometimes it wants to overflow to receive more.
Once I open the door. I began to began to want more.
Endless doors open, as knowledge mixed with thoughts.
They began to pour in. In which I couldn't stop them.
I only have one room, it's space is beginning to run out.
More and more. Day by day. Month to month. And even years....
Until...
Till...
Till...
Till...it......
EXPLODES!!!!
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How much...
You never know how much you mean to me
I dared to put my heart out there
And couldn't believe you turned towards me, said you care
I've told you all mistakes, trails and things that had me thinking the worst
But you didn't run away, you've only tried your best to put me first
So to the person that always seen and believed in me
There's one thing, I can say to you
Would you always love and be with me
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My family
Why does history repeat itself.
I've been treated like my mother before me.
And she's pretty much one of the only people that adores me.
When every last one of you for a fact ignores me.
You're beaten us down to our lowest point. And only pick favorites like it's your only choice.
Have taken so many years to understand why, the lies, cries but you'll never pushed us far that we'll want to die.
We will stay strong however the years are long.
Just like we have been doing all along.
Family is supposed to stick together but obviously mines don't.
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Before....
Before I met you
My life was empty
And now it's just full of regret
In the beginning you said all the things that could make me melt
But towards the end, you only ever cared about yourself
So now I'm going to love and take care of myself, because I need to put myself first above everything else
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Saved
I want to be saved from the negativity around me
It gets too tough
Eyes surrounding me, fingers are pointing
I need a safe haven for me to get away from it all
I want to bask in positivity, keep pushing for goodness
But what do I do when I let those feelings get me down, they constantly cause me frown
Bring in those positive vibes, something that makes me smile
You know little something extra that's sound
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Sometimes
Sometimes I feel like the secondary character or side character in the drama called my life.
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A girl's intuition
I was taken aback by your looks.
Also was taken aback on how you treated your sister.
It had me wondering was that really your sibling ?
Or not ?
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Searching heights, settling
Still looking for that golden life. But I guess I've settled for them gray sparks. At least there's some color in my life, it's alright.
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