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Normal
I guess it takes a certain amount of pain,
To lose every thing you had,
To understand what it means,
To have loved and to have lost,
But nothing seems to be getting better,
Do things ever return normal,
Whatever normal is to be,
Before everything became a constant memory?
Up and down,
This is one unorthodox merry go round,
Turning, flipping, upside in, downside out,
Emotions lost,
Mixed, thrown, way too far tossed,
I just want to be normal again,
I just want a way back in,
Everyone has changed,
Nothing or no one seems sane,
Or is it me?
Why can't I see things straight?
Am I really going nuts?
Am I really this deranged?
Scary part is, I haven't found me,
I no longer want to play this game of hide and go seek,
Who is in control,
Because no one seems to know,
Where souls like mine,
Really ever go.
I used to be someone who never gave up,
Now I could care less who wins,
I don't really give two fucks,
That's what happens when you think,
You get trapped, dazed, and in a blink,
Life will fuck you so damn hard,
You just have to let it rip open the scars,
Because it's there,
It's not going anywhere,
Better adapt to getting screwed,
Re-adjust your position,
Because the next fuck is for you,
I'm scared of how much I'll snap,
When the chains that hold me back,
Finally decide to give in and break,
And I just laugh,
At how much I have had to take,
I'm nervous,
I'm anxious,
I'm terrified,
Because I don't even know the person
I've become,
Who has taken over?
Why is she such a cunt?
I carry on like I am supposed to,
I try to remain strong, as one will do,
Because I know that when I get to my final destination,
I know the judgement is going to be a brutal assassination.
©shantilly
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She Won't Let Him Go
She slowly slips into the night
Dreaming of the time when things were right
Longing for the day when she'll have a chance
A glimpse
Some kind of sign
Struggling to hold onto hope, as her inner voice
Tells her, she has no other option
No other choice
Letting it all sink in, this desperation,
Drenched in solitude, as she is aching,
She tries to vividly embody, this woman, of graceful poise
This feeling can't last forever, it just can't
One day she is feeling like she can make it,
The next, her mind is an endless rant
Emotions scattered about, but she doesn't know how to let go of
For if she does,
It's like she is somehow, letting him go
So every night as she slips further
Into a darkness,
Excluding all slumber
She waits,
As if dedicated to being medicated,
As the black stillness takes over,
Her life, succumbed to be numb,
Goes blank
They get longer....
These nights of endless torture....
When will the moment come?
When she will long for him no longer?
Just waiting for something to become,
A sign, meant for only she
A sign from someone,
Whom she has only clung on to,
Ever so tightly,
Only she, knowing he won't ever show,
She wants to, she needs to,
But she won't,
Let him go
©shantilly
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My Prayer
I just need my friend back,
If You are the real deal....
You would have him, right?
Well I need him back!!
Please!!!
He was the only person that could ever,
Render me, completely!
I'm still in wonder!
Entranced by everything that he ever said,
Or had ever done,
Captivated,
Motivated,
Speechless,
My heart,
Wonderfully reckless!!
He gave me the will to surrender,
Give up the worst side of me,
That was dirty, that was killing me....
He was the light that made me see!
HE was able to make me believe!
He made me want to become a better version of me!
For my life, for my kids....
I never even wanted to accept love,
Or even so much as embrace it!
I had come to hate it!
Chased it away if it got too close to me...
Until it hit me,
Hard as this love did....
Punched me right in the feels,
A pounding nervousness,
Felt it in every kiss,
Never knew how much I needed him...
How much I loved him....
Until You took him from me!!
Suddenly....
Unexpectedly....
I cursed Your name,
I Hated You,
Hated Your existence,
Even more than I ever thought I did....
How could You allow this?
How is this a good thing?
The amount of torture such as this.....
This isn't Your thing....
Why?
When?
Did you trade places with Evil,
Was nobody going to tell ME??!!
Where did I go wrong?
How did I fuck up?
I Swear, I will repent all of my sins,
If I could just come up..
Apologetically,
Immensely, beg You for forgiveness,
Beg You, until there is nothing left of me...
Try to understand,
That I'm nothing without my friend....
I can't wrap my fucking head around this!
My only hope in getting through another year,
Is believing in the hope that You can help me,
If ever You should have the chance to 'save me',
Your chance is here....
Nothing in my life
Will ever be the same!
My heart will never be repaired!
My soul is eternally grateful,
If I haven't expressed that yet,
That I had a chance to meet
One of Your Angels....
But I gave up,
I've lost hope,
I lost myself....
And now look at me,
Now I'm talking to You,
The Holy Ghost!
I just need him!
Can I have him back?
Because I can't imagine,
Or fathom the idea,
To be able to exist,
In Your World,
And not think about him...
This person I fear
This person I'm dreadfully starting to hate,
Is becoming more real,
With every passing day.
My world is now a deadly tornado,
Everything is out of control,
Where I end up next,
Is sure to be the last place I'll be thrown.
I just want my friend back,
The only one who even cared at all.
Showed me a real soul,
What it was,
We were starting to get there,
That place where,
Everything good existed,
And then.....
Then something forced Your hand,
To bring him next to You to stand.
I can't wait for the moment when,
I get to finally feel him next to me again.
Skin to skin,
To breath him in.
That time can't come soon enough....
Sitting here pissed off at the world,
That You created...WHY?
Do You take pleasure in all of this?
I miss him so fucking much!
He was everything to me!
My everything is gone!
It makes me so damn mad!
I no longer have,
The strength,
Courage,
Everything I had felt when I was with him,
Vanished!
On the day he left,
The day You took everything from me,
The only shred of hope I held onto,
When I felt I had nothing,
He was the only one who wasn't leaving me,
When everyone else was going....
He was bringing me back,
From a life that was faltering,
A life that was sad,
All but forgotten...
And now,
He's gone!
Because of You!
Where am I?
Where do I go?
What do I do?
My children don't deserve to see me like I am,
They need to see me as a Mom,
A Mom who is strong,
Who knows how to get through,
I'd be in a different place altogether,
If it wasn't for their need for me to carry on...
While he was bringing back the Mother they once knew,
That they wanted,
Had needed for far too long,
And for a moment they had her,
Here You come along,
To take the joy I had been given,
Taken right back from me!
I still don't have a damn reason....WHY?!
Why did You have to take the one person,
That felt like a link,
That completed this messed up,
Puzzle of Life,
The life You apparently,
Evidently,
Had destined for me....
Because why do I feel like I'm in a constant dream,
Existing only just to grasp onto a memory?
Not really sure where I belong in this reality?
Without him....
I need You to guide me,
Back to where it felt like my life had just begun,
When it felt brand new,
When I wasn't thinking of the next bad thing to happen...
If You can do this for me,
I'll make this promise to You:
I'll promise never again to allow myself,
To drown in my sorrows,
Or surround my heart in the pits of Hell....
I'll promise to be stronger than I've ever had to be,
I'll promise anything!
Are you listening?!
I need You to light the way for me,
I'm sick and tired,
I want to give up,
You aren't supposed to let me!
Enough is enough!
This hurts too much!
I can't do this alone....
These tears keep blurring my vision,
And my vision is slowly depleting,
So I will make You my rhyme...
Since You took away my reason....
You will be a God that I will pray to,
That is something You probably thought,
To be something I would never do,
So if I'm willing to make a change of heart,
To believe in something unknown,
Then tell me...
Will You do Your part?
Just this once!?
I'll keep it hush hush!
Will you fix this mistake?
This utter tragedy?
But if You can't,
Or won't, bring him back to me,
Then why should I pray to You,
When I lay me down to sleep?
What's the fucking use?!
If he isn't here with me?
©shantilly
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