'TITLE I WAS TOO LAZY TO THINK OF TO BE HONEST'
Разное, Мысли вслух, Интересное
I don't know if it's because I've matured or because I just truly lost care in the world, but I don't care that my birthday is coming soon. I don't care that school is starting. I don't care when people praise my sister for every little thing she've done and act like I've accomplished nothing. I don't care that my father cares about getting richer rather taking care of us. I don't care if my 'friends' are only around to use me for their own good. I just... I can't bring myself to care about anything anymore. Nothing seems important they way it used to be. I'm just watching people go around playing in my life until they win and get what they want. Is it because I became too used to this? To people not caring about me? And till the point I no longer care about the cruel situation I'm in? Now, nothing excites me anymore. Activities and people don't make me happy like they used to do. They just don't.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm trying too hard, but then again, I'm not trying enough. It's like everything I've done has gone vain, it's just not good enough for them. As if all I've done was nothing. As if I am nothing. But that doesn't bother me anymore.
Most of the time I have one these heart clenches on my heart, it's like my heart is tightly, pulling itself together to get smaller and smaller in hopes to finally disappear because the pain has become too much to bear. Every time, I do something to help someone I feel my heart clenching because I know, I just know it will all go vain. They will take it for granted. Whenever I sit down and listen to someone's problems I feel it too, my heart would smoothly, yet so painfully be tearing itself apart because I know when they finish weighing their problems on my shoulder to solve, they will pretend as if it never happened, just so they can come back to betray me when they find someone better. Even when I'm all alone, doing absolutely nothing, my heart starts to break because then I still can't help it, but feel bad about myself. I feel bad because I have things people would kill to have. I feel bad because I always step on my own feeling saying that others' feelings matter more. But most importantly, I feel bad because I've done this to myself. I have done all of this to myself without caring about the consequences waiting ahead.
I've locked my feeling too deep that I no longer capable of feeling them. I've set myself in an everlasting cage of isolation that I feel so alone even when I'm surrounded by all the kinds of people. I've done this to myself. All of the damage is done by me to me.
You're right. Because yes, I do not care anymore. Yes, I feel so bad about myself and who I currently am. Yes, I feel so alone. But I'm not done. I still have myself to fight for. Even though it's mostly broken inside. Even though I have nothing left. Even though it's always like I'm not good enough. I will fight because those broken pieces inside? Every little one of them is stronger than ever and is willing to go through the darkness for light waiting ahead. I will collect them one by one and I will mend them by myself until they're completed again. Even if I have nothing left, it doesn't mean that I'm hopeless. It means that what I had before wasn't meant for me. It means that in the future, I will achieve and gain much greater things. It means that the bad had escaped my life, so that I can start midway to get what I deserve. To get what is meant for me and will never leave me. Even if I wasn't good enough that doesn't mean I was not good. I was good, but not the way they wanted. But I'm more than enough for myself. And that's perfect for me. Everybody is good enough for their own self because if you weren't good enough for yourself, how do you expect to be good enough for someone else? Yeah, I admit I am broken, but I'm not unmendable. I still have hope. I still can fix myself by me, by being me. I'm strong. I'm capable. I'm talented. And I can sure as heck do it. And so can you.