Spared!
Out walking together,
yes, you’ll be seen by the members of the public,
but you are very much in your own world,
so there’s no shame in stopping for a peck on the lips atop a big hill or a snuggle next to a duck pond
If you’re holding hands on a busy street,
make sure you’re not blocking the path of anyone behind you, because wars have started over less.
We’re thrilled you find yourself swathed in romantic bliss
but we need to get a sandwich
and we have only 20 minutes of lunch break left.
You can, I have it on good authority, be spellbound by your lover and cognisant of people trying to get the hell past you.
Can we also talk about how far you should go?
Please, please spare us the arse-grab.
Naturally the successor to the fairly inoffensive hand-holding,
the arse-grab is the ultimate statement of ownership.
It’s most popular in queues and “best” viewed from behind,
as your audience watches in horror
as your hand graduates from cupping the buttock
of your beloved to the spidery wanderings
of a finger searching for somewhere to hide.
The palpitations of your partner are nothing compared
to your poor rear spectator, frightened they’re about to witness something that will be seared into their retinas
for decades to come.
Cup if you must, but don’t prod in public.
Also popular, especially among the young
or those whose teenage years were the “best years of their lives”,
is the mobile arse-grab: walking down the street with your hands tucked into the back of each other’s jeans.
Fine for undergraduates desperate to flaunt their sexuality
as an achievement – in lieu of any decent marks
for their coursework,
usually – but perhaps best to give it a rest
if you have any kind of responsibilities such as a career,
children or a toaster’s crumb tray to clean.
2020-04-04 19:30:18
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