My Story Isn't Over Yet! Part 1
Разное, Мысли вслух, Интересное
My Story isn't Over Yet! Part 1
I couldn't go on anymore! I felt I had reached the end of my road! I'm sitting here all alone wondering where it all went wrong.
37 years old and I had simply felt so Worthless, hopeless, & Totally fed up with life! I didn't see the point in living anymore! Why did I still continue to try, when everything I thought I had tried got me Absolutely No where!! Everyday of my life, I was trapped in a nightmare, I couldn't wake up from! I struggled to see the light at the end of the tunnel! I had no hope, I just didn't care anymore! Why you ask? Well, the last 37 years of my life have been absolute hell here on earth! I felt I didn't have anything left inside. I prayed for death everyday to be at peace and be Completely free of this mental torture each & every waking hour. "You're not worthy", " you're a failure", you can't do anything right", "just end your life & there won't be anymore pain or suffering.", that deep inner voice says there are so many people worse off. People are killed on a daily basis, but I had wished that was me!
Where did it all go wrong? The last 37 years have flown by and I have very few happy memories. How sad & pathetic is that? Was it my dysfunctional, tormented childhood? Your parents are supposed to nurture you, to hug you and tell you that you're loved. I do not recall ever once being hugged by either one of my adopted parents. Ever! I can't even recall ever being told that I was loved or wanted. I feel as if I was a mistake! I can't even recall one display of affection throughout my childhood! I was sexually, mentally, physically, mentally & verbally abused, everyday of my childhood from the time I was 6 yrs old, up until I was 19 yrs old. All the emotional, mental, & physical pain & scars were also inflicted by the emotional abuse I had to endure everyday that are still to this day, emotionally & mentally painful. Is that why I still to this day, have problems in friendships & relationships? With men in general! Why do I struggle with authority? Mom's & Dad's are supposed to cherish their daughters. Instead mine despised me and constantly Sexually abused me, Physically abused me, mentally abused me, criticised me, and put me down and made me feel like I was a piece of shit! I know it was because I was a mistake from my biological mother. Every night, I layed in my bed I was scared for my life, fearing my adopted dad would come in & beat me, & take advantage of me for no reason. I felt I was his punching bag & play toy. I Absolutely despise & hate him for making me unimaginable sexual things to him, for forcefully doing inhumane things to me, for Physically abusing me to the point of almost trying to kill me when I was 7 years old! This went on, day in & day out! 👿👿 No child should ever have to go through that!! There was one day I called the cops & they came to my house & asked me if I was ok. I said "ya" & they said "are you sure?" & I said "ya". I wanted So Bad to tell them what my adopted dad was doing to me & my brother but my adopted dad was standing right there beside me. I was Scared for my life! I just told the police, I accidentally called them. Fearing if I told them the truth, I would get another Severe beating!
It hurt that my other older brother got all the love, praise, & attention from my adopted parents. In their eyes, he couldn't do no wrong! He was considered the perfect child. That hurt Really bad! I felt like the scum of the earth!
Mothers are meant to protect their children! Mine just added to the constant name calling, daily put-me downs, critization. She was a Severe alcoholic and just let my adopted dad physically abuse me & my biological brother. They fought constantly! I was living in what was a very toxic environment to grow up in. In addition to fighting with me and my adopted mother, my adopted father managed to alienate our entire family by packing up all his stuff & up & left for several weeks, not telling anyone where he was going. I remember seeing & hearing my adopted mom cry everyday. I prayed everyday for him to stay gone so I wouldn't have to endure such horror & torment for one more day! So, to this day I haven't seen & Don't EVER plan on seeing my adopted parents, & never will! This may sound harsh but in all honesty, I can't wait till the day they are gone from this Earth! I feel that's the only way I will finally find peace!
I couldn't wait to leave home! I got married at 19 yrs old. I did very well in school! I was offered to go to a technical college to study to be a medical assistant. For 15 months, I did all the required hours. I even certified in several areas & got several certificates, including being on the honor roll. Although I struggled those 15 months, having to take care of my two very young girls, keep the house clean, cook breakfast, lunch, & dinner, keep up with the laundry, take care of the animals, plus trying to keep up with my school work. The final straw was when my husband didn't want to help out around the house! His excuse was, "he was too tired after working 8 hrs on his feet at a prison." We fought like cats & dogs all the time cause I would bitch & grip that I needed help around the house! I just had too much on my plate! I did everything by myself & I just couldn't handle it. But I some how managed to get through those agonizing 15 months of college & doing my externship.
Once again, Tragedy struck again! I had almost finished what I had worked & strived so hard for! Two weeks before graduation, I snapped & tried killing myself & that landed me up in the Looney bin, all because everything I was going through, was just too much! It was just too much to handle! I lost Everything I had worked so hard for! After that, things have severely went down the shitter since then, & I haven't been the same since!
That same year I saw the mental health psychologist for the first time for my Major depression, PTSD, & anxiety that was to plague me for the rest of my life! I was diagnosed with Major depressive disorder, PTSD, Social anxiety, & Borderline line personality disorder.
The next few chapters of my life haven't exactly been no happier. My marriage started to fall apart after that dark, & dreary day. I tried pulling myself together by trying to start over, by getting back into the workforce. So In my late twenties, I went to work at a prison to be a food service supervisor. But I have the endless horrible habit of hitting the self-destruct button whenever things aren't going so good. I tend to always self sabotage myself. This applies to my relationships as well. I am trying to figure out why this is.
In my early 30's, I decided I had, had enough of friends & family's fits and arguments! Once again, I tried everything I could to take my own life. Frustrated at the thought that every time I tried, I couldn't even do that right! So once again, I got put back in the Looney bin. I absolutely hated it! I felt & was treated like a prisoner that committed a horrible crime! My freedom was completely taken away! So what did I do, I pretended like I was getting better just so I could have the chains taken off of me, so they would release me, & I I could have my freedom back. Its nothing like being locked away, with no freedom to do anything & being taken away from your kids, family, & friends as if you are a hardened criminal! Shortly after my release & I returned home, we moved to a what we thought was a nice house & neighborhood, until we quickly learned that it wasn't . The house & neighborhood we had chosen had so many down falls. The only heat & air conditioning we had was in the living room & dining room. The winter & summer months were brutal. The back bedrooms were Extremely cold in the winter, & Extremely hot in the summer! We had to sleep in either the living room or the dining room to stay warm & cool. The fuse box was older than dirt! Every time we turned around the dam fuse box would blow a fuse & we kept having to flip the fuse box. The landlord was so cheap, she refused to call an electrician to come out & fix it! I'm surprised that house didn't catch on fire! We put up with it for 4 yrs cause we just couldn't afford to move, due to my husbands job loss. We only had my income & that was my disability. Well, I finally got fed up with it & applied for section 8 HUD housing. For a two bedroom apartment, we were 17th on the list & it didn't take but a few months, when we got the call that an apartment opened up. So we jumped on it & finalized the paperwork, packed up immediately & left that hell hold, to once again start fresh to thrive in a new environment.
We have been here at our new apartment for almost 2 yrs, our girls have made quite a bit of new friends, we are very close by a park, walking path, shopping mall, bowling alley, & QT. In the year & a half we have been here, we have had some problems with our apartment but, the landlord is pretty good about taking care of the problems. She's about 95% better than our last landlord we had. So, now it's just my husband, my girls, & me and my emotional support dog.
Within the year & a half we have been here, a couple times my marriage fell apart. Once for 4 months, & another time for 2 months. Within the 18 years my husband & I have been married, he has always tooken advantage of my & my girls love. He was verbally, emotionally, & physically abusive towards me & my girls! 😥 I felt as if I was reliving my childhood all over again! It caused me to get Very depressed & suicidal. The abuse against my girls & I, was just too much weight to bare! I was so depressed, I didn't have one ounce of a back bone in my body to stand up to him & say, enough is enough! I was in fear of him & had to walk on egg shells. I was treated as if nothing I did was good enough! Our crumbling marriage was in shambles, it started affecting my girl's behavior & their grades at school. I couldn't understand why I was so blind, when it was right there all along staring me straight in the face!! I wasn't strong enough in my mental illness to see it or do anything about it until my best friend helped put things into perspective. Only then I was able to finally take off the blinders & see things clearly for what they really were. So finally, shortly after Thanksgiving of last year I got up the Courage, & strength to finally put my foot down & say enough is enough!! I separated from my husband for 4 months & went & lived with my best friend & her husband. During those 4 months, my husband & I tried working things out but, I couldn't believe a single word that came out of his mouth. I had heard the same things over & over again for 18 yrs!! What makes what he was saying then, any different? I became so broken & depressed, I blamed myself for everything. I lost all hope & resorted into starving myself for 4 months straight! I felt I needed to punish myself cause at that point, I felt that's the only thing I had control over! My life was in Shambles!! After starving myself for those Long 4 months, I became so sick & weak due to the tremendous weight I had lost! My best friend couldn't just stand by & watch me slowly deteriate! My Best Friend couldn't stand by one more day, watching me waste away! She tried talking to me till she was blue in the face! Nothing was sinking in!! I was so overcome with no hope whatsoever & was extremely depressed! She threatened me many times that she was gonna put me back in the hospital! With my life already in Shambles, that's the last thing I wanted, was to be locked away like a hardened criminal! She got so overwhelmed because she wasn't reaching me after everything she said & did! She tried everything to get me involved in getting back into doing my daily devotions with her every morning. Now I'm not gonna lie, at first I didn't want anything to do with it! I was so angry with God! Everything she had read from the Bible or her daily devotions, I just let everything go in one ear & out the other! As the days & weeks of my best friend consistently reading her morning daily devotions & spending time reading God's word aloud, I can't explain it but I literally heard the Lord's voice in my head, speaking to me through his word! Amazingly enough, that's when I thought things were starting to turn around for me! I started to slowly have Hope & Peace again! I saw & felt my depression getting better. I started to slowly eat again, laugh again, pray again, & reading the bible again. I felt myself getting stronger, & finally being able to make the right decisions & choices on what the Lord wanted me to do, I felt the right choice was to move back home.
Just when I thought my life was turning around for the better, Tragedy struck again! My husband & I separated for the second time! The beginning of March of 2018, things in my marriage got pretty rocky between my husband & I. We were fighting a lot, his anger was getting out of control! The very day of March 17, 2018, Saint Patrick's day of all days, things took a turn for the worse! I will never forget the Tragic day, my husband put his hands on my oldest daughter out of anger! That's where I drew the line! When it comes to my kids, nobody puts their hands on them! I got So Angry, I kicked him out & didn't let him see my girls for quite a while. I was done with him, I tried everything in my power to get a restraining order on him, I reported him to DCF, I tried filing for divorce. Nothing was working in my favor! As their mother I was doing what I thought was in their best interest by keeping them in a safe, stress free environment! During those 2 months my husband and I were separated, my husband had been living with some friends of ours. As those 2 months passed by, the Lord evidently had another plan for our marriage. The Lord saw that our marriage was on the brink of disaster! He wasn't finished with us yet, he had a perfect plan! He saw this coming even before we did! Now, I don't really believe in miracles but let me tell you what, within those 2 months, the Lord really turned my husband's life around! I saw a major difference & change in my husband, I had never seen in the 17 yrs we have been married, & the 19 yrs we have been together. As of May 3rd 2018, he is a changed man! He has really come a long way! He is now the husband & father God wants him to be!